It's like watching two trains collide in slow motion and the trains are full of retarded people, reciting poorly written scripts that are really just badly plagiarized versions of other anime shows. If I hadn't just watched those first five minutes and someone was describing them to me, I'd tell them to quit pulling my leg. I was just being a dick when I summed up the show in my other post, but my god, it really is that retarded. In fact, it's even stupider than I imagined, the pantsless airplane leg catgirls have been collected from all over the world to fight magical aliens. The narrator in the opening manages to give this huge mountain of exposition without cracking up and pissing himself laughing, he either deserves a medal or a kick to the groin, maybe both. I want to call this thing cliche, but I can't really think of anything out there that is quite like this, it's a perfect storm of cliched idiocy that somehow manages to create a truly unique piece of shit.

Here is an account of the first five minutes of the show:

The show opens with a narrator explaining that in 1939 a big fucking thing appeared in the sky, his claims are supported when we are shown a huge black cloud appear over some European looking village. Immediately, fighter planes are sent to fire machine guns at the cloud, because this is the natural response to inclement weather, but tragically this cloud is not going to go down like those other pussy cumulonimbus fuckers. The could sucks up the fighters and spits out a giant alien ship made entirely out of sharp edges, the ship then uses lasers to cut the Eiffel tower in half and set France on fire, because apparently even aliens find the French to be an annoying bunch of pricks.

While the aliens are busy burning berets, the narrator explains that these aliens are a bunch of dicks who have come to Earth for pretty much no other reason than to ruin everyone's day. But of course, we only see them frying France, so for all we know they're here on a mission of mercy. We are then treated to a scene involving lots of guys in lab coats standing around a chalk board. Our helpful friend the narrator (whom I have named Wellington Amesbury Cromwell III, Earl of Exposition) tells us that the brightest minds humanity has to offer have managed to invent a weapon that harnesses magical power, which is the only way to hurt the aliens. This weapon? This grand hope of humanity? The sole salvation of the human race? A pair of airplane pants that can only be operated by half naked, underage witches. The narrator describes these pants as a kind of mechanized flying broom.

And so witches from all over the world are gathered together to form the 501st Joint Fighter Wing Strike Witches. Not to be confused with the 501st Stromtrooper division, Vader's Flying Fist.

After a brief title sequence that shows pre-pubescent children being given huge machine guns, sprouting cats ears, tails (something that is never explained) and being sent off to fight aliens with their magical flying pants, we are treated to our first fight scene. It camera follows a group of the aforementioned half naked toddlers as they fly above the ocean towards one of the alien ships. They begin their attack and throughout the entire battle we see nothing but explosions and extreme close up panty shots. After ten seconds of these non-nonsensical aerial antics, you'll feel like a qualified camel podiatrist.

The alien ship is dispatched by some girl with a glowing katana and an eye patch (that hides a magical purple eye) and the scene ends. We cut to a peaceful island where school has just let out. A group of young school girls are all standing around watching another girl try to get a cat our of a tall tree. Every last one of these girls is sans pants and the camera spends so much time zoomed up on underage crotches that I found myslef listening hard for the sounds of federal agents at my door. It was at this point that the rampant pedophile eye candy and idiotic story became far too much for me and I had to close the video.

Attention any and all aspiring writers, artists and animators, DO NOT GIVE UP! However shitty your work is, I promise you can still get it made into a Japanese anime.