Eia's Blog

It was a DARK, cold and stormy night in ALASKA.

Joe Eskimo was walking his girlfriend Emily Sealclubber back home from the Moose Hunters meeting when all of a sudden...

A polar bear crossed the path behind them with her two young cubs. Good thing they are still on the endangered species list. For now.
Oh and Joe tripped over something hard on the ground. Emily started to scream.

Emily's scream frightened the cubs. Mama polar bear, knowing full well you shouldn't trust humans, started clawing at the fallen Joe.
And Emily wouldn't STFU damn woman.

Joe played dead but Emily just continued to scream her head off. So the polar bear slapped her until she shut up. Well, she shut up but it was because HER HEAD WAS ON THE GROUND AND HER VOCAL CHORDS NO LONGER CONNECTED TO HER BODY. DUN DUN DUN!

Then Joe waited until the polar bear left and walked to the nearest house to call for help. Soon a medical copter arrived to take him to the hospital and the dead Emily to the morgue. After six weeks of therapy, Joe was healthy again. His near-death experience had left him with a renewed sense of what he should do with his life, and Emily had always wanted to be a plumber. So, Joe thought, he should become a plumber in her memory.

So, Joe continued to live a normal life in Alaska. Eventually he settled down, married a woman (lol Emily who?), and had a boy.
One day he was playing skin the otter with his son when suddenly a stretch limo pulled up to his house.
Two bodyguards stepped out of the front seats, then they opened the backdoor.
What emerged shocked Joe to the core: it was a mummy!
"Oh wait, it's just John McCain. Well why is he HOLY CRAP WHY IS A SNOW WOLF GETTING OUT OF THE LIMO?!"
It was no mere snow wolf; it was John's wife, Cindy.

On that foggy winter's eve
McCain came to say:
"Joe Eskimo with your business so small
won't you become the poster boy for us all?"

"Sure, but just as long as you don't whore me out. Because the last thing I want from being mentioned by a presidential candidate is MEDIA ATTENTION."
Meanwhile, Cindy caught a squirrel. And ate it.

So John McCain mentioned Joe the "plumber" on national television.
The next day nothing happened.
It was a normal day, Joe drove to work, did his rounds, and went home.
Meanwhile, in Iran...

And Iran
Iran so far away
or, as John McCain would say
Bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb Iran!

*six months later*
And Sarah Palin saved the world from terrorism with her down-to-earth sensibility and a strategically placed hockey puck.
The end.

EPILOGUE:
One day Katie Couric interviewed Sarah Palin.
"So, which newspapers do you read?" Katie asked.
"Um well...any of them, some of them, none of them OK FINE I ADMIT IT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ!" cried Sarah.
Then the ghost of Emily killed both of them.

~fin~

You are walking through a graveyard, when something pops up and attacks you.
What is it?

A. Zombie
B. Wolf Man
C. The janitor
D. A telemarketer

D. A Telemarketer.

The telemarketer begins harassing you by asking if you're interested in changing your long distance phone service.
What do you answer?

A. Would I!
B. DAMNIT I'M TRYING TO EAT DINNER!
C. Um, why were you hiding in a cemetery?
D. Wanna do it?

A. Would I!

The telemarketer's face lights up as, for once in his entire life, someone has said "yes" to him.
But before he can tell you about the scam wonderful offer, he gets shot in the head.
As he collapses to the ground, you notice the person who shot him is...

A. Jill Valentine
B. Master Chief
C. Lara Croft
D. Duke Nukem

B. Master Chief

Master Chief is, for some reason, not on a distant planet blasting aliens to smithereens, but instead in a simple Earth cemetery.
He offers you a can of MOUNTAIN DEW GAME FUEL AWWW YEAH, which you take reluctantly (didn't they stop making these...?).
"What are you doing here, anyway?" asks the Chief.
"I'm in the cemetery because..." you begin.

A. It's part of my initiation into to join Scooby-Doo and co.
B. It's part of a sorority hazing
C. It's part of a challenge on Paris Hilton's My New BFF
D. I spent the night drinking my ass off, and somehow wound up here.

D. I spent the night drinking my ass off, and somehow wound up here.

You tell the Chiefster that you were binge drinking the night away, like a true college student.
"Well, the cemetery is not exactly the safest place to have a hangover. Let me escort you out of here." says MC.

So the two of you walk. And walk. And walk. And walk. And walk. And soon you are a mere few feet away from the entrance / exit when all of a sudden something jumps in your way!

You gasp in horror as you are confronted by...

A. A Goomba
B. The SOS Brigade
C. a YGO: TAS mod (your choice)
D. A plastic shopping bag floating in the wind

A. A Goomba
B. The SOS Brigade
C. a YGO: TAS mod (Darkarcher)
D. A plastic shopping bag floating in the wind
E. All of the above.

Remember when I said you gasped in horror? Well, instead you gasp in mixed emotions.
For one, there's a brown mushroom / potato thing with shoes and eyes.
Then there's a group of 5 "teenagers" (well, Kyon is the only true teenager).
Let's not forget...uhh...I don't think darkarcher wants anyone to describe how normal AWFUL he looks.
But most importantly, there's that mysteriously enchanting plastic bag, that makes you question why something so simple could be so life shatteringly beautiful.

"What are you doing here?" you ask to...

A. Goomba
B. Brigade
C. darkarcher
D. plastic bag

B. Brigade

You ask the SOS Brigade why they are at the graveyard.
"I'm glad you asked!" shouts Haruhi.
"We're here filming a movie similar to the style of The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield. The amateur, shaky camera look is all the rage, so it will definitely get people interested in the SOS Brigade!"
As soon as she says "SOS Brigade", Haruhi forces the other 4 teens into ridiculous poses.

Mikuru whimpers, Yuki says nothing, Kyon sighs, and Itsuki just smiles.

"Hmm." you begin. "That sounds..."

A. Boring
B. Interesting
C Terrible
D. LIEK DA BEST IDEA EVAR!!!!!11111ONE

A. Boring.


"That sounds boring." you say in what is perhaps the most uninterested voice ever.

"Wh...what did you say...?" Haruhi asks angrily.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, giant blue monsters begin stomping around the graveyard.
They crush everything. Everything. Even the plastic bag. =[
Congrats, you pissed Haruhi off. Now the world is destroyed.
I hope you are happy with yourself.

THE END.

So it's the day after Thanksgiving. It's about 6 A.M. and you have rudely been awakened by the angry neighbor nextdoor yelling at her kids to get into the car and cursing out her babysitter who cancelled at last moment to rush off and get a free promotional (but crappy) mo3 player at Best Buy. "Well, it IS the best day of the year to buy things," you think to yourself as you try to keep your eyes closed, "but..."

a) I should get up and go get all of my Christmas shopping done on time!
b) Sleep.
c) Screw Christmas, no one deserves anything anyway.
d) Angry women shopping for bargains scare me.
e) OMFG THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY PILLOW.

d) Angry women shopping for bargains scare me.

"but angry women shopping for bargains scare me" you think as you sigh and turn over and try to go back to sleep. After dozing for a while, you suddenly have this odd dream where you are inside of a milkshake blender... no wait, a tumble dryer? Maybe a carnival ride! No wait... THAT'S REAL. EARTHQUAKE ATTACK! You are shaken from your bed (and sleep) as the world around you rocks back and forth. What do you do?

a) Scream.
b) Get up and run outside.
c) Find your pants.
d) Hang on to your bed for dear life.
e) Save your pet goldfish.

c) Find your pants.

You dive to the side of the shaking room and see your pants on the floor. As quickly as you can, while the room is still shaking, you manage to pull them on and grab a mismatching pair of flip-flops as you stumble down the shaking hallway to get outdoors. Once you manage to do that, you fall to the ground as everything continues to move when you hear a loud "crunch" behind you. The roof of your house has fallen in! "NOOOOO! FREDERICK!!! WHYYYY???!!!!" you scream while on your knees with your arms held up. Suddenly, everything stops moving.

a) You look around to see what other damage has been done.
b) You sit there and stare in disbelief while still clutching the mismatching pair of sandals.
c) You get up and randomly do the macarena in the street.
d) You suddenly stare up at the sky.
e) You realize you just kneeled in a fireant bed.

e) You realize you just kneeled in a fireant bed.

"OH SHIT!" you yell as you frantically slap your legs trying to get the ants off. In your hurry, you have to rip off your salvaged pants in order to get most of the ants off, but you do not manage to get them all. Soon, you feel their bites all over your feet and ankles as a sudden, horrifying realization dawns on you. "Oh God... I'm allergic to fire ants!" Frantically you stop, drop and roll to get them all off and then run back to your destroyed home.

a) You run to the door and attempt to maneuver through the rubble.
b) You go through a broken window near where your room is.
c) You decide that perhaps going into a destroyed house is not such a good idea.

c) You decide that perhaps going into a destroyed house is not such a good idea.

Reluctantly you turn from your destroyed home. Inside was the medication you kept with you at all times in case you happened accross ands and was biten. Without it, you only have a short time before your entire body, including your internal organs, begin to swell and you die from asphixiation. Panicked, you look up and down the street as people who did not go to the day after Thanksgiving day sales emerge from their destroyed homes. You slide on the pair of mis-matched sandals and...

a) Hurry down the street looking for the first uninjured person.
b) Suddenly, the earth moves beneath you.
c) Cry.
d) Ask yourself what Ironman would do in this situation.
e) Think of Justinrules.

e) Think of Justinrules.

You sadly think of Justinrules as the song "Memories" starts to play in your mind. Your vision becomes blury and your knees become weak as you start to wheeze. Unfortunately, Justin is not here to save you now. "I hope he thinks of me fondly... have a good life my love" you think as everything fades to black. You can faintly hear people yelling for help in the background but all of that is beyond you now. All that exists is the passage of time, and a far off light...

Game over. You are dead.